Sunday, 13 December 2015


Dear Rachel,

Your chattiness means that all of your pieces are too short and I usually read them over and over. I did like the way you wrote about wee Arlo heading off to school. The train cake looks tremendous and I'd like to see it from different angles. The marshmallow smoke is awesome!! He will surely love going to school and the adventure it is. A trip to the beach is wonderful, especially with wildlife encounters. I was up in Oman on Friday with a friend and some people I just met. We climbed a hill, ate a packed lunch, and swam in the rather cold mini waves. It really was a lovely way to spend a few hours. Beaches. I could believe in god purely based on beaches and the feelings of beauty they arouse and the wonder they evoke. 

So, 41. I'm not a big fan of ages. They tell us nothing about a person, really. How different people can be at each stage. An age is not an indicator of how we have lived or how much life we have left. It's simply a way to put people into groups on school sports day and things like that.

As an appreciater of maths, I liked your telling of the story about there being no last number. I like things which separate humans from other creatures. Things like mysteries and hypothetical situations and art and jokes. Do other creatures enjoy these things or just us? Infinity, or close to, is an amazing thought. Even unstoned ;)

I've been thinking about areas of sadness recently as I have a couple in my life. I'm happy. I'm very happy in fact but there are a few places in my mind which I take deep breaths before considering. I can not put into words how nervous I am about seeing Ben and Jonah next Monday. They have new lives now. New people. New friends. New new. New. I am part of their old life and I am terrified that the space they have for me in their heart is shrinking. I know it is certainly not growing. It may just be my imagination but, hand on heart, these thoughts have robbed me recently. I have been glum. I feel as if I've had a time of happiness but low esteem; an uncertain next few years and heartbreaking choices to make have shat on the waves I've been riding, hanging ten. Some Wellington air and ice cream may just clear the air.

Let's keep writing to each other. It's good to hear how you and those boys are. It's good to read of the joys of family life and the thoughts of 41 year olds. I need to slink into bed now. It's approaching midnight. 

Merry Christmas.


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